Not to be dramatic but I'm Starting a New Chapter
Hey everyone it's been a while. Unless you're one of my coworkers who I just informed I have a blog hi there! Welcome to the inner workings of my mind haha!
So I'll start with the back story that lead to this silly blog post title. Roughly 66 days earlier than now I lost all my money except for $7 from a scam going around Instagram. Someone pretending to be a mother commissioned me to draw a picture for her daughter's birthday gift. The rest of the details are unimportant.
Anyway, I'm on the phone with my loving partner Nick absolutely losing my mind and just mentally spiraling out of control. I stopped going to therapy for a long time prior due to my lack of finances so needless to say I hit a new low and wasn't having it for a while.
About a day later I started another counter for 100 days and set a new plan in motion to turn everything back around. I spent the first month tapping into the depths of my soul that I've spent so long avoiding and thought long and hard about the difference between what I wanted in life and everyone's opinion of what it seemed like I wanted. The truth was I didn't have a clear picture of what I wanted but I knew being where I was wasn't it. So I took a leap of faith and left my job, paused my art shop, halted every project I said would be done by the end of summer and paid off my debts from the scam in 44 days after getting a new job.
Last month I participated in the 48 hour film challenge for the first time
as both a co-writer and an actor. It felt like it had been ages since I pulled an all-nighter and worked with a full crew again. I hadn't actually done acting before so imposter syndrome was hitting me like a bullet train but the positive feedback from everyone has inspired me to explore it more. Everyone's love for filmmaking and creative drive to make the project the best that it could be lit a fire in me. I started co-writing more scripts with Nick and Panda [See my last post if you don't know who Panda is]
Going to the 48 hour award show [We won best Special Effects] and being surrounded by an entire theater of passionate filmmaking individuals brought me back to my early days of film school when I still dreamed big. Dreamed of my own animated feature films, dreamed of flying across the country for festivals, dreamed of late night shoots with people I love, dreamed of leading a crew and being utilized for my full potential, why had I put these dreams aside? Why did I convince myself I actually hate the tediousness of animating and that the process is for the professionals and not me? Why was I putting my biggest dreams on hold so I can help others with their endeavors first? Why was the thought of pursuing my own film projects and executing them the Jane-way considered selfish in my mind?
These questions swirled around in my head as I disassociated through the Seattle streets and stuffed my face with fries after celebrating the victory our project had become. I thought about how much I wanted to become an actor, director, and a screenwriter when I was little. My eyes watered when I thought about how many years it's been since I last animated and the fact all those years passed was because I thought I wasn't good enough. I spent years hiding behind the camera instead of being in front of it because I let stage fright stop me so I haven't made a youtube video with myself in it.
I didn't feel okay for a while after that
To put lemon juice on my papercut the battery in my 2016 laptop died right before I had to do some graphic design work for some clients and co-host a podcast with Panda as a guest. The laptop was primarily used for school, work, and obligations for others. I am not the type of person who blindly believes in "signs from the universe" however the timing hit me hard enough I let my skepticism slide. I treated myself to a pink gaming laptop to heal my inner child [Present me had crushed enough of her dreams anyway] and then it all finally came together.
A switch went off within me and I was okay again
I've decided to start my own production company, get back into animation, get into twitch streaming, and get back into making films. I'm going to update my website so there are no more graphic design services. From here on out unless I'm paid an absurd amount of money I will no longer be doing graphic design for anyone I don't know personally. My art projects will probably be delayed once again but I'm alright with that. When I do get back into my novel and comic projects my headspace will be much more pleasant and the things I create will be even better because of it. So, cheers to my new chapter I can't wait to start creating!
Comment an animal you think is kind of weird if you read this blogpost and check back in a few months. Maybe I'll get the hang of posting frequently haha.
"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."
Links for Ghost Apple Productions
OUR 48 HOUR FILM